Children love to go on sleep-overs with their friends – or to camps and other special events for kids. But for some children their fear of sleeping away from home overshadows the daytime fun – perhaps even to the extent that they simply won’t go. If your child is struggling with such a fear, perhaps this will help you to help her.
First, and most obviously, getting into a fight with your child about the problem won’t help. Saying things like, “don’t be such a baby, of course you can do it” will just undermine her confidence rather than solve the problem. Recognize that it is a problem, and that your child probably wants to solve it as much as you do, step back from it all, and plan a strategic approach to help her.
Fear is an illogical emotion; you can’t get rid of it by just reasoning. You have to work on it by using a process of gradual desensitization. First get to the root of the problem. Many times the problem is not about sleep-overs only; it is deeper than that. May be the child does not feel secure being away from the mother, and even sleeping away from her in the other room is a big challenge!
Regardless of the degree of the problem, you have to begin by identifying your child’s comfort levels. If your child wants to be near you, he will prefer to sleep on the floor in your room rather than be comfortably tucked-in in his bed in his room. May be he is comfortable in his room if you keep the door open. There will be some children who don’t mind going over to stay with people they are familiar with, such as grandparents or uncles and aunts. So, this is where you must make a careful study and identify the problem.
Next, get some cooperation. Agree on some tasty goal that you child would really like to be able to accomplish – like a sleep over for her friend’s birthday party, or going to camp in the summer. Write this down.
Now work backwards from the goal to the present. E.g. In order to be able to go to camp for 5 nights, you first need to be able to sleep away at the Easter camp for 2 nights. In order to do that, you need to be able to sleep at your friends house for two nights. Before you do that, you need to be able to do one night at your friend’s, and before you can do that, you need to be able to manage your own room with the door shut…. And so on.
Obviously you will need to tailor this to your own circumstances. Once you have a rough layout for this, then go to the present and look at the very first step. If necessary, break this down even further. Start with what she is currently comfortable with doing, and ask, what is the very first step? It might be as small as moving from the floor next to your bed, to the floor in the hallway just outside your bedroom door.
It helps to talk it out with your child and agree on a starting date. Then think of a way of celebrating success. Make sure you do not set difficult goals. One step at a time is the secret of success. Remember that. Let your child be willing to move from one step to the next. Of course, you may offer rewards to encourage him.
If she fails at a step (eg crawls back into your room from the hallway), just retreat to the previous step, consolidate that a bit longer, increase the rewards, and have another go.
It can take some time to work through the steps, but if you do it gradually and systematically, and combine it all with plenty of encouragement and rewards, you should be able to get there.